Jacks is a Year

Well, over a year. Jacks is about 14 months.

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She is around 20lbs, and I forget how tall.

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We finally got to get her photo’s done last week. I am not a pro, but I kinda like how they came out. I am sure a pro would be a lot better.

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Someday, I will get them professionally done, or I will learn to work my camera better.

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If you are on FB, then you have already seen these photo’s.

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I have learned babies are such a blessing.

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This baby is Papa’s sidekick. She can do no wrong.

 

Not Sure How to Title This

I was thirteen the first time I wanted to take my life. I was headed down the road on my back as there was a train track at the top of the hill and I had heard a train was coming. I had gotten into a fight with my mom and I found out my dad again broke his promise about coming out to see us. Us as in my sister and I.  My parents divorced when I was around 7. I remember that, because I got a Cabbage Patch Kid doll as a result of it. I really didn’t understand divorce at the time since my dad was hardly around anyways. See, I was a Navy brat. He would call a couple of times a year, came back to visit and actually took us to his home in Maine when I was 10 on Spring Break. Promised to come back and get us later that Summer to go on a boat. Still waiting for that boat ride. I am 35.

Back to the bike ride and train. I have always had a fascination with trains. I just love the sound they make, how fast they can go etc…  They are so majestic to me, even back then as pimply fat teenager. My friends lived on that street. Well, evidently they were outside and saw me ride by, but I didn’t stop. Dad, as I call him, he was always so good to me. He’d cuss out his own kids, but me, he was sweet to. Unless I bad-mouthed him. Then I got a cussing too. Anyways, I guess they could tell something was not right with me. So dad followed me. I guess he realized that I was fixing to get run over by a train. I was so close too. I was on the track and the train was coming pretty fast. Boy did he cuss me out that day, all the way home to my moms. Back home to the cardboard apartments we called home for so many years.

My mom I am sure cared, but once dad left, she went back to watching something on tv. She babysat those early years. I never ran out of people to play with either. Anyways, the tv was always on, and she was always in her chair smoking a cigarette and staring at the tv. She was aways watching that stupid tv. I guess that is where I get my laziness from. I love my mom, don’t get me wrong. She just wanted kids, but once she had them, she did not know what to do with them. Except buy lots of Barbie’s and make their clothes for them.

I have never felt like I fit in. Not now, not when I was 13. At 13, I also had my first boyfriend. His name was Herbie and he was 18 and a senior in high school. My mom liked him so much, she was talking about our wedding like it was going to be happening sooner than later. We dated for a long while, broke up, then dated again for a bit. We never did sleep together, though I am sure he wanted to. Especially after I had my daughter Casey. I was 16 when I had Casey. I had met her dad the Summer before and he was 23. I was 15. He had been in and out of jail for a while by then. He was older and was a “bad boy”. He said all the right things. Did all the right things. Made me feel like I actually mattered for the first time in my life. Eric was my love. I loved that man like no other. I allowed him to control me. If Eric didn’t like it, I didn’t do it. Even when he was in jail, I still allowed him to dictate my life. My mom allowed Eric to move in with us the year I turned 16. He had just gotten out of a 4 month stint in the county lock up. It was rough. He became abusive. I was not allowed to go to school, or, if I was sick, I was not allowed to stay home. He was a drug addict and many nights we “borrowed” moms car and went to Rochester to Broad and Brown to get his crack. He would smoke it and I would drive to the exit that we got off on. He then would drive home. I found out I was pregnant on June 1. He was so thrilled. I wasn’t. I never wanted kids. I babysat, but did not really like them.

I felt Casey kick one night. I was laying in my bed and Eric was at work. I felt her kick. It was the weirdest and the greatest feeling in the entire world. I wanted her then.

Eric got picked up by the cops in December. December 5th. I remember it like it was yesterday. Detective Mullen knew my Uncle Kenny. So I wasn’t arrested. I could have been. I still kinda shake about it now. Casey was due in January and here it was December about to be locked up. Anyways, Eric got 8 years in prison and for the first year, I still lived by all his rules. No friends, no going anywhere. Blah Blah…. I was going to give Casey up. Till I met her. I fell in love. I kept her. 18 years later, I am still glad I kept her.

I never felt like I fit in, I know, I said that earlier. But I want to get back to that. I never fit in. Not with my friends who all smoked or did drugs. All that we had in common was music. We all loved the big hair bands, and rock and roll.It kinda defined us. Sure I had a couple of good friends in my life. But, I never really fit in with them. I never fit in with my family either. I was not Kathy’s children or Kenny’s children. I was Carol’s daughter. Like that was a bad thing. My grandmother often said to me, I would be pretty if I lost some weight. Or, why can’t you be smart like D. Why can’t you be quiet like K. Like K was ever really quiet. In my family, it was a big thing when you turned 21. The Aunts took you out to the bar. My cousins before me went. My cousin after me went. My sister and I never went. I waited for the call to go out. I guess I am still waiting for that call. I have only ever been to the bar with my family once and that was for my aunts after wedding reception reception. Boy was she drunk. I was not invited. I just happen to come along.Why should I care about going to a bar. It isn’t about the bar, it was the family thing to do. And the family didn’t do it with me. I still feel left out. 35 years old and still feeling like I am left out. Looking through the window of everyone else having fun. It wasn’t till my grandmother died did I feel like my family actually cared. I got a phone call by a certain cousin who has never called me just to say hi. If he was calling, there was a reason and it was always short and to the point. I actually stayed with my cousin K and had so much fun, despite the funeral, despite I had a horrid case of menstrual issues. I felt like I finally mattered and belonged. But, those feelings never really stay. At least mine don’t.

I have thought about killing myself many times over the years. When Jonah was around 2, I tried again. We lived in this one stoplight kinda town. Our home was like 6 feet from the track. When it came by, you could touch it. I would not recommend that by the way. Anyways, there I was laying down on the track waiting for it to come when Jamie came home and found me. Obviously took me off that track.  It was rough for a bit. Life goes on. I thought about it a few times since, but never acted on it since.

I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. Be someone. Feel loved, be loved. I know my husband and my children love me. I know it should be enough. I just feel like Jamie is just here, to keep me alive. But does he love me?? Maybe not in the way I want. And no, I ma not talking about in those romance books. I don’t want him to sweep me off my feet. I would break his back for crying out loud.


I want to feel like I belong to my family. And not be just Carol’s daughter. I want to be called to go to the bar….. not that I want to go to a bar, but I think you know what I mean. I don’t call either. I don’t want to bother anyone. I don’t want to be a burden and that is how I feel when I talk to any of them. I feel like I am so kind of bother to them.

I can’t stand me. I can not stand the way that I look, the way that I act, how I am lazy. How I holler at my children and how I tend to ignore them. I want my husband to want me. I hate being in my skin. I hate being me. I think that is why I want to work out so bad and why I want to get loose this weight. I want to feel pretty. I want to feel sexy. I want to be healthy. I want to hike with my husband and kids. Play on the floor with Jacks. I want to throw the ball around with Jonah and Adam. I want to mow my lawn for Pete’s sake. I want to walk into a place and buy off the rack and have it fit.

I just want to fit.

A Week of Reflection

It has been slightly over a week, not much more since Newtown. The horrific murders of those 20 children and 6 adults.  So much sadness starting out this Season. Twenty children who won’t be opening up presents early Christmas morning. Twenty children who won’t give their mama a kiss and a hug, or their Papa.

Six adults who are being missed this very moment. Six women who may have been a mother, a sister, a daughter, or an aunt. Best friends gone.

I know, like many of you that are reading this, have and will hug your children tighter. I know like many, I am taking more pictures of my children and I together, as well as the entire family together.

26 people gone from this earth, either in Hell or in Heaven. I pray for the latter.

Also this week, I have been thinking of folks in the Armed Services. The men, and women away from their families, children, spouses this Holiday. Spending time away home-cooked meal. Maybe out in some hot desert, or in some cold, and snowy place.
The sacrifices they have made so that I can sit here and type on my computer at 2am when the rest of my family is fast asleep. Sacrifices that I can not even wrap my brain around, as I have never had to do any of that in my life. At least, not like our men and women in the Services.

So, as I sit back reflecting back on this past week, month, and even year, God has been so good to me.
Seriously.
Other than a pinched nerve in my neck, and a slight cough, being over weight, I am really not bad off. I have a home, that is heated. I have lights and a stove to cook on. I have hot water to take a shower in and to wash my dishes. I have lots of clothing in my closet and shoes on my feet. I just heard my precious grand baby, and her mama telling her she loves her. Cody was just talking to who knows who, and Jonah rolled over. Adam just passed gas. Even in his sleep, that boy can pass gas. Right behind me, I hear my husband snoring. I know all is right in my little world when I hear that noise. That is before I poke him and he rolls over.

I don’t know what holds tomorrow for sure, but, I can rest tonight knowing that God is with me and He holds me in the palm of his hard. I know I have a home in heaven. And someday when I die, or Jesus comes back on his white horse and that horn blows, I will get to meet Jesus, and Mary, and Moses. What a day that will be.

As I close this blog post, I of course will show you a photo.

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As Tiny Tim would say, “God Bless us, everyone”

Life

Somtimes life can really throw you a curve ball. One you do not quite expect, but it is there, and only there because you tried to forget about it.

Or you procrastinated and now it came back to bite you in the behind.

Then God shows you a bit of sunshine.

Even though, I fail as a wife and a mother. I fail as a sister in Christ. God still shows me how much he loves me.

My husband takes our hard hitting news with an ok, life goes on and we will be fine. While I sit there in tears apologizing.

I get an ” I love you mom” from the same son I just scolded in anger a few moments ago.

So even though I am scared, and I have no idea how we are going to weather this new development in our lives, God is still on the throne, and is still sending me a bit of sunshine. Our Lord heals before the sun goes down if we put our faith in Him. We by ourselves can not do a thing.

  Luke 4:40   Now when the sun was setting, all they that had any sick with divers diseases brought them unto him; and he laid his hands on every one of them, and healed them.

Even after the rain, the sun will shine again. God brings us that beacon for us.

Sun is a natural way to get some vitamin D. Without that essential vitamin, we feel

  • Muscle pain
  • Sudden loss of muscle strength
  • Constant bone pains
  • Low energy / Moodless

It can affect many area’s of our lives. Anyways,

We need the sun and the Son in our lives. I am so thankful to know that I have a home in heaven and that Jesus is there to hold my hand or even carry me.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.


Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.


He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.


This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:


“LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me.”

The LORD replied:


“My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.”

 written by Carolyn Joyce Carty

 

16 Rules – A Repost

I first posted 16 Rules  July of 2010. I was rereading through some posts and I loved this one. It is amazing how easy it is to stop doing something even when we know it is the right thing to do. Such as eating between meals. I so need to start that one again.

I hope you enjoy reading it for the first time, or rereading it like I did.

Susannah Wesley was the 25th child of twenty-five, and the mother of nineteen chil- dren, including John and Charles Wesley. Through much adversity, she dedicated her life to instilling a sense of Christian Destiny into each of her children. Her children went on to change the world.

Here are 16 rules she laid down in her home.

1. Eating between meals not allowed.

2. As children they are to be in bed by 8 p.m.

3. They are required to take medicine without complaining.

4. Subdue self-will in a child, and those working together with God to save the child’s soul.

5. To teach a child to pray as soon as he can speak.

6. Require all to be still during Family Worship.

7. Give them nothing that they cry for, and only that when asked for politely.

8. To prevent lying, punish no fault which is first confessed and repented of.

9. Never allow a sinful act to go unpunished.

10. Never punish a child twice for a single offense.

11. Comment and reward good behavior.

12. Any attempt to please, even if poorly performed, should be commended.

13. Preserve property rights, even in smallest matters.

14. Strictly observe all promises.

15. Require no daughter to work before she can read well.

16. Teach children to fear the rod.

excerpted from

http://www.the-mothers-heart.com/SusannaWesleyRules.pdf