Not Sure How to Title This

I was thirteen the first time I wanted to take my life. I was headed down the road on my back as there was a train track at the top of the hill and I had heard a train was coming. I had gotten into a fight with my mom and I found out my dad again broke his promise about coming out to see us. Us as in my sister and I.  My parents divorced when I was around 7. I remember that, because I got a Cabbage Patch Kid doll as a result of it. I really didn’t understand divorce at the time since my dad was hardly around anyways. See, I was a Navy brat. He would call a couple of times a year, came back to visit and actually took us to his home in Maine when I was 10 on Spring Break. Promised to come back and get us later that Summer to go on a boat. Still waiting for that boat ride. I am 35.

Back to the bike ride and train. I have always had a fascination with trains. I just love the sound they make, how fast they can go etc…  They are so majestic to me, even back then as pimply fat teenager. My friends lived on that street. Well, evidently they were outside and saw me ride by, but I didn’t stop. Dad, as I call him, he was always so good to me. He’d cuss out his own kids, but me, he was sweet to. Unless I bad-mouthed him. Then I got a cussing too. Anyways, I guess they could tell something was not right with me. So dad followed me. I guess he realized that I was fixing to get run over by a train. I was so close too. I was on the track and the train was coming pretty fast. Boy did he cuss me out that day, all the way home to my moms. Back home to the cardboard apartments we called home for so many years.

My mom I am sure cared, but once dad left, she went back to watching something on tv. She babysat those early years. I never ran out of people to play with either. Anyways, the tv was always on, and she was always in her chair smoking a cigarette and staring at the tv. She was aways watching that stupid tv. I guess that is where I get my laziness from. I love my mom, don’t get me wrong. She just wanted kids, but once she had them, she did not know what to do with them. Except buy lots of Barbie’s and make their clothes for them.

I have never felt like I fit in. Not now, not when I was 13. At 13, I also had my first boyfriend. His name was Herbie and he was 18 and a senior in high school. My mom liked him so much, she was talking about our wedding like it was going to be happening sooner than later. We dated for a long while, broke up, then dated again for a bit. We never did sleep together, though I am sure he wanted to. Especially after I had my daughter Casey. I was 16 when I had Casey. I had met her dad the Summer before and he was 23. I was 15. He had been in and out of jail for a while by then. He was older and was a “bad boy”. He said all the right things. Did all the right things. Made me feel like I actually mattered for the first time in my life. Eric was my love. I loved that man like no other. I allowed him to control me. If Eric didn’t like it, I didn’t do it. Even when he was in jail, I still allowed him to dictate my life. My mom allowed Eric to move in with us the year I turned 16. He had just gotten out of a 4 month stint in the county lock up. It was rough. He became abusive. I was not allowed to go to school, or, if I was sick, I was not allowed to stay home. He was a drug addict and many nights we “borrowed” moms car and went to Rochester to Broad and Brown to get his crack. He would smoke it and I would drive to the exit that we got off on. He then would drive home. I found out I was pregnant on June 1. He was so thrilled. I wasn’t. I never wanted kids. I babysat, but did not really like them.

I felt Casey kick one night. I was laying in my bed and Eric was at work. I felt her kick. It was the weirdest and the greatest feeling in the entire world. I wanted her then.

Eric got picked up by the cops in December. December 5th. I remember it like it was yesterday. Detective Mullen knew my Uncle Kenny. So I wasn’t arrested. I could have been. I still kinda shake about it now. Casey was due in January and here it was December about to be locked up. Anyways, Eric got 8 years in prison and for the first year, I still lived by all his rules. No friends, no going anywhere. Blah Blah…. I was going to give Casey up. Till I met her. I fell in love. I kept her. 18 years later, I am still glad I kept her.

I never felt like I fit in, I know, I said that earlier. But I want to get back to that. I never fit in. Not with my friends who all smoked or did drugs. All that we had in common was music. We all loved the big hair bands, and rock and roll.It kinda defined us. Sure I had a couple of good friends in my life. But, I never really fit in with them. I never fit in with my family either. I was not Kathy’s children or Kenny’s children. I was Carol’s daughter. Like that was a bad thing. My grandmother often said to me, I would be pretty if I lost some weight. Or, why can’t you be smart like D. Why can’t you be quiet like K. Like K was ever really quiet. In my family, it was a big thing when you turned 21. The Aunts took you out to the bar. My cousins before me went. My cousin after me went. My sister and I never went. I waited for the call to go out. I guess I am still waiting for that call. I have only ever been to the bar with my family once and that was for my aunts after wedding reception reception. Boy was she drunk. I was not invited. I just happen to come along.Why should I care about going to a bar. It isn’t about the bar, it was the family thing to do. And the family didn’t do it with me. I still feel left out. 35 years old and still feeling like I am left out. Looking through the window of everyone else having fun. It wasn’t till my grandmother died did I feel like my family actually cared. I got a phone call by a certain cousin who has never called me just to say hi. If he was calling, there was a reason and it was always short and to the point. I actually stayed with my cousin K and had so much fun, despite the funeral, despite I had a horrid case of menstrual issues. I felt like I finally mattered and belonged. But, those feelings never really stay. At least mine don’t.

I have thought about killing myself many times over the years. When Jonah was around 2, I tried again. We lived in this one stoplight kinda town. Our home was like 6 feet from the track. When it came by, you could touch it. I would not recommend that by the way. Anyways, there I was laying down on the track waiting for it to come when Jamie came home and found me. Obviously took me off that track.  It was rough for a bit. Life goes on. I thought about it a few times since, but never acted on it since.

I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. Be someone. Feel loved, be loved. I know my husband and my children love me. I know it should be enough. I just feel like Jamie is just here, to keep me alive. But does he love me?? Maybe not in the way I want. And no, I ma not talking about in those romance books. I don’t want him to sweep me off my feet. I would break his back for crying out loud.


I want to feel like I belong to my family. And not be just Carol’s daughter. I want to be called to go to the bar….. not that I want to go to a bar, but I think you know what I mean. I don’t call either. I don’t want to bother anyone. I don’t want to be a burden and that is how I feel when I talk to any of them. I feel like I am so kind of bother to them.

I can’t stand me. I can not stand the way that I look, the way that I act, how I am lazy. How I holler at my children and how I tend to ignore them. I want my husband to want me. I hate being in my skin. I hate being me. I think that is why I want to work out so bad and why I want to get loose this weight. I want to feel pretty. I want to feel sexy. I want to be healthy. I want to hike with my husband and kids. Play on the floor with Jacks. I want to throw the ball around with Jonah and Adam. I want to mow my lawn for Pete’s sake. I want to walk into a place and buy off the rack and have it fit.

I just want to fit.

Dumping

So, it is 2:30 in the morning and I am backing up my computer to erase everything on it and start over. It has been running a bit weird lately and so, I think a fresh install will do it some wonders.

While I was doing this, I got to thinking of my life. I realized how much control some stuff that I was in had of my life. Like, I depended on other people to tell me if I am doing ok, or if I am a huge screw up. While it is not their fault. it became more of an issue.

See, I am not a very private person. I have no problems telling you about my life, my entire life. While, some like it, most do not. I am realizing that I was using certain things as a crutch in my life. While friends are great to build you up, some are quick to tear you down. And it became a roller coaster ride. Some days it was up, and some days is was down.

Instead of turning to God for my problems and opening up my bible to see the answers, I was going to places such as Facebook or Twitter.  While advice is good, if it is not met with biblical principal, it is not always “good”.

So, I had to dump. Dumping the things that got in the way of me and my God and me and my family. I started to view my life as some horrid life because we do things a bit different then the norm.  I started to have a more negative view on my children and my husband. Because they did not meet the expectations of what I had in my mind for them. Same with me. I did not meet the expectations of what I had of me. I stayed in my room so I can be involved with online stuff. And while the folks are great, I got too involved online that I did in my home. Again. That is my fault. I am not dumping friends, but I did dump a lot of other things.  So, I dumped.

I turn my chat off on FB now. I still answer messages as they come in, I can choose more to look at it later or then and there. I get a notification on my phone. I spend more time on FB through my phone now. Which is a lot less than I did even a week ago. While I cleaned my home, my home is far from where it needs to be.

I am feeling more confident in what I am doing. I am not looking for approval. If I ask an opinion on FB, it is just that, an opinion.

I am dumping soda, again. It is just so stink’n addictive. So, instead of even having it when we eat out, I am either going to do water or sweet tea. Soda, is just too addictive for me. I start to drink a soda, then I start to eat foods I don’t want to eat. I just do not seem to have that button in my life that I can hit when I have had enough.

I am dumping my sedentary lifestyle. We have been taking more walks as a family.

At least when it is not cold out.

But as a family, we have been walking more. I have some video’s to use when the weather is not hot. I also will have a vehicle here so I can hope over to the church in the center of town and use their workout room and take part in their free classes to get fit.  I want to dump this current version of me. I want a new and improved and healthy me. My kids deserve that, my husband does. And by golly, so do I.

I will also be going back on my BP meds and my Metformin for the PCOS. As of last year, I did not have diabetes. I don’t want it if I don’t have it now. I want to be there for Jacklynn,

And,

I want more children.

Yes, I said it.

Jamie and I would love more babies.

I do.

But, only if God sends them. We will not use any interventions. I am content with my four that I have. So, intervention is not needed.

Now, if God deems us to have more, I will gladly, GLADLY have more precious arrows.

So back to dumping… It takes forever to back up to DVD’s. I need a new external and plan on grabbing one or two here in the next week or so.

I am not dumping this blog, in fact, I am trying to resurrect the thing. I have about 3-6 reviews coming up. I have a lot of cleaning to do on it. It might move to its own domain.
Like I said, I am not dumping this old friend.

 

Going For A Walk One Day

Yesterday, Casey really wanted to go for a walk, so she, the 2 boys and I went for a walk around the block. I decided to bring the camera. I need more practise shooting.

Jonah had to bring his stuffy along for the walk.

The Local buss dropping the kiddlets at home after a long day at school.

I love the auger holding the mailbox. I would love to find one for ours!

Just a bit of baby bump:) 32.5 weeks along.

My favorite pair of shoes, my Crocs. These are about 4 years old. I really need a new pair, but till then, I will just wear these.

Our sky yesterday, the lonely yet beautiful cloud. It has been like that for a few days. Not a cloud in sight.

Just Adam and Jonah walking and talking.

Turning around as I called her name to take this photo. She might not like me after seeing this on the blog though.

A shot of a rosebud, I am excited about these.

I can never get enough seeing our clothes on the line, I LOVE it! I hope my electric bill will too.

16 Rules – A Repost

I first posted 16 Rules  July of 2010. I was rereading through some posts and I loved this one. It is amazing how easy it is to stop doing something even when we know it is the right thing to do. Such as eating between meals. I so need to start that one again.

I hope you enjoy reading it for the first time, or rereading it like I did.

Susannah Wesley was the 25th child of twenty-five, and the mother of nineteen chil- dren, including John and Charles Wesley. Through much adversity, she dedicated her life to instilling a sense of Christian Destiny into each of her children. Her children went on to change the world.

Here are 16 rules she laid down in her home.

1. Eating between meals not allowed.

2. As children they are to be in bed by 8 p.m.

3. They are required to take medicine without complaining.

4. Subdue self-will in a child, and those working together with God to save the child’s soul.

5. To teach a child to pray as soon as he can speak.

6. Require all to be still during Family Worship.

7. Give them nothing that they cry for, and only that when asked for politely.

8. To prevent lying, punish no fault which is first confessed and repented of.

9. Never allow a sinful act to go unpunished.

10. Never punish a child twice for a single offense.

11. Comment and reward good behavior.

12. Any attempt to please, even if poorly performed, should be commended.

13. Preserve property rights, even in smallest matters.

14. Strictly observe all promises.

15. Require no daughter to work before she can read well.

16. Teach children to fear the rod.

excerpted from

http://www.the-mothers-heart.com/SusannaWesleyRules.pdf

The Morrow

Today, I was reminded that we do not hold tomorrow. Life is so short and just a vapor.

A young man was found dead in his bed, just 24 years old. A life so full of the blessings of a new job, an even better job on the horizon. Yet, at 24 years of age has gone home to be with the Lord.
Kinda sets the stage for a sad morning. A sad morning for his family. A sad morning for his church friends and family. How does one reconcile it? We can’t. But God can.

This young man was so full of hope of the home he had in heaven I am sure.  He was full of life, as I remember him. He got sober in 2010. I remember him going soul winning on Saturdays. He played with the teens during teen stuff. He was always at church when the doors were open.  He is a good kid. God got a good one. I did not really talk to John much. He runs with the younger crowd. I ran with the moms. Ya know? But whenever we greeted, he always smiled and always shook my hand. He always had a nice thing to say, about the service, about the weather or about one of my kids.

We do not hold tomorrow. Our life is a vapour. What are we doing for God? What are you doing? What am I doing? Are we going to make our life count?

James 4:14   Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

Do you know who holds the future? Do you know you CAN have a home in heaven. Heaven is waiting for you, but, so is hell. We can know where our future is.