Slowing Down

Every once in a while, a mama has to slow down. She has to enjoy what God has given her.

Enjoy playing with my dogs and boys is one of those things He has graciously gave me on this earth.

I LOVE my dogs.

IMG_0233
Suzi and Sam are their names. Sam is Suzi’s son. Suzi is my baby 
Ahem….
dog. Yea, she is my dog. She is about 8 years old this month. In 7 days to be exact. Not that I keep track. Not that I am planning on making her a cake. Not that she will get a piece of chocolate.
Sampson, or, Sam for short, is Suzi’s son. We bred her to a really dumb dog, and we got him. A very smart dog.

IMG_0172
We went YEARS people, YEARS without knowing she and he both love the frisbee. YEARS!!!

I am so sorry Suzi! We did not know. I would have bought you one a long time ago.
Seriously. I would have.
A nice pretty pink one.
Pink Camo….
Wait,
Sorry that would be the color of the gun I want to buy for myself.
I would have bought you a pretty pink frisbee.
IMG_0230
Sam never does get anything we toss to them. Never.
He runs for it, a ball, frisbee, a stick, or even a rock.
Yes, a rock.
But, he never does get it. He just does not dare too.
IMG_0210
You see, Suzi is the queen. She is number 1. Uno.
Suzi will yell at ya. Or Sam in this case.
Poor guy, Suzi is forever getting after him.
He loves it.
Slowing down means to check out the Sunsets.
Especially if they are from your new home.
IMG_0144 copy
So majestic. So beautiful. I adore sunsets and you might see lots of them on this blog.
I take lots pictures of sunsets.
IMG_0137 copy
I even make a kid stand a certain way so I can catch it on his glasses.
IMG_0161
Yes, I did do that.
See that dark thing above the lips?
My man-child has a ‘stash. A MOUSTACHE PEOPLE!!!!!
Seriously. there will be a post about that in the next couple of days.

Why do they have to grow?
Why can they not just stay young and so cute? WHY?
He is the worlds best grilled cheese maker.

So, slowing down from packing, moving, and unpacking was a much needed item for me. Now, I need to go and find and put away the rest of my kitchen and finish the bathrooms.

Anyway, keep watching the blog for updates for me. I will be posting a WHOLE lot more.

But,

First, a grilled cheese.

 

 

Advertisements

11 Years, and Some Reflection

WOW, we just celebrated our 13th anniversary a few months ago. I love this man, Just another re-blog of a post I did. Working on getting this blog up and running again. Almost moved.

The last 11 years of my life, have been such a whirlwind. One minute I am in my poorly made wedding dress, running late to the park because of waiting for someone to get her hair done, and it was not me. I kept thinking that day how much my feet hurt, and I hoped that the seams on the dress wouldn’t rip apart like the buttons had already started to do. I get ahold of my dad’s arm, and he tells me he loves me and how much he loves me. I remember being thankful that I had both my parents there on this monumental day. Though they were not married any longer, and had not been since I was 7, they were there to support me. My mom was running around making sure the pizza was warm and the cokes sodas were all nestled in their bed of ice. She stayed clear of the hot chicken wings and instead stuck her finger into the mild sauce, just to taste to see if it was warm.
Photobucket
I remember looking down the aisle to the wild-looking man. He still had hair, though it was starting to get that circle of baldness in the back. He was there with the Justice of the Peace. ( we so will not get into WHY I did not have the minister that was supposed to perform the ceremony.) My 3 bridesmaids were there, and the 3 grooms men. I had two flower girls and of course 2 ring bearers. Such a big party for such a small wedding.  All waiting for me to walk down the cement aisle and take my stand at the front. I walked with my dad and he reminded me, if I did not want to get married, we could turn around. I said no, this is what I want. So, we walked.
That day, July 21, 2001, will live forever in my mind. Not because I hated my dress and my shoes. Or that I was late. I won’t remember that day because of the people that were there or the music that was played.
Photobucket
I will remember that day, because it was the day I married Jamie. the man who God intended for me.  This man took in a woman with two children that were not his, and gave us a home that day. He never turned his back on us. He became Daddy that day to a little girl who at that point had gone through so much in her short 6 years of life. And to a small blond, curly-haired tan little 13 month old. They became his children. The ones when he came home from work would go running to him to put their dirty hands all over.
Photobucket
That day, I became a mom of not just 2 littles, but to 3. See, Jamie had an almost 5-year-old son from a previous marriage. Cody came to me as a wild little man who was such an early bird. Oh my, I remember  getting up at 4am with him. It was so tough those early few months after the wedding. It took us six months to train him to be quiet and stay in bed. See, that same wedding night, we quickly went from a family of 5, to a family of 6.

July 21, 2001 will forever live in my mind as the day I married my best-friend. Though at the time, I am sure we did not really consider ourselves that. I still liked my time and he liked his time. We fought, a lot. I got sick with PPD right after Jonah that lasted a couple of years.

But, as time wears on, we, have stood the test of time. His family did not think we would stay together. At all.

But, here we are, 11 years later, strong as ever.

We live in upper middle TN and just love it here. My husband is my best friend, and I am his. We both are in church with our 4 children and now our granddaughter. We are a family. As a family, we love God. We, as a family can not wait to really start serving Him. Only reason Jamie and I are still a team is because of Him. All honor and praise goes to Christ alone.

Photobucket

Not Sure How to Title This

I was thirteen the first time I wanted to take my life. I was headed down the road on my back as there was a train track at the top of the hill and I had heard a train was coming. I had gotten into a fight with my mom and I found out my dad again broke his promise about coming out to see us. Us as in my sister and I.  My parents divorced when I was around 7. I remember that, because I got a Cabbage Patch Kid doll as a result of it. I really didn’t understand divorce at the time since my dad was hardly around anyways. See, I was a Navy brat. He would call a couple of times a year, came back to visit and actually took us to his home in Maine when I was 10 on Spring Break. Promised to come back and get us later that Summer to go on a boat. Still waiting for that boat ride. I am 35.

Back to the bike ride and train. I have always had a fascination with trains. I just love the sound they make, how fast they can go etc…  They are so majestic to me, even back then as pimply fat teenager. My friends lived on that street. Well, evidently they were outside and saw me ride by, but I didn’t stop. Dad, as I call him, he was always so good to me. He’d cuss out his own kids, but me, he was sweet to. Unless I bad-mouthed him. Then I got a cussing too. Anyways, I guess they could tell something was not right with me. So dad followed me. I guess he realized that I was fixing to get run over by a train. I was so close too. I was on the track and the train was coming pretty fast. Boy did he cuss me out that day, all the way home to my moms. Back home to the cardboard apartments we called home for so many years.

My mom I am sure cared, but once dad left, she went back to watching something on tv. She babysat those early years. I never ran out of people to play with either. Anyways, the tv was always on, and she was always in her chair smoking a cigarette and staring at the tv. She was aways watching that stupid tv. I guess that is where I get my laziness from. I love my mom, don’t get me wrong. She just wanted kids, but once she had them, she did not know what to do with them. Except buy lots of Barbie’s and make their clothes for them.

I have never felt like I fit in. Not now, not when I was 13. At 13, I also had my first boyfriend. His name was Herbie and he was 18 and a senior in high school. My mom liked him so much, she was talking about our wedding like it was going to be happening sooner than later. We dated for a long while, broke up, then dated again for a bit. We never did sleep together, though I am sure he wanted to. Especially after I had my daughter Casey. I was 16 when I had Casey. I had met her dad the Summer before and he was 23. I was 15. He had been in and out of jail for a while by then. He was older and was a “bad boy”. He said all the right things. Did all the right things. Made me feel like I actually mattered for the first time in my life. Eric was my love. I loved that man like no other. I allowed him to control me. If Eric didn’t like it, I didn’t do it. Even when he was in jail, I still allowed him to dictate my life. My mom allowed Eric to move in with us the year I turned 16. He had just gotten out of a 4 month stint in the county lock up. It was rough. He became abusive. I was not allowed to go to school, or, if I was sick, I was not allowed to stay home. He was a drug addict and many nights we “borrowed” moms car and went to Rochester to Broad and Brown to get his crack. He would smoke it and I would drive to the exit that we got off on. He then would drive home. I found out I was pregnant on June 1. He was so thrilled. I wasn’t. I never wanted kids. I babysat, but did not really like them.

I felt Casey kick one night. I was laying in my bed and Eric was at work. I felt her kick. It was the weirdest and the greatest feeling in the entire world. I wanted her then.

Eric got picked up by the cops in December. December 5th. I remember it like it was yesterday. Detective Mullen knew my Uncle Kenny. So I wasn’t arrested. I could have been. I still kinda shake about it now. Casey was due in January and here it was December about to be locked up. Anyways, Eric got 8 years in prison and for the first year, I still lived by all his rules. No friends, no going anywhere. Blah Blah…. I was going to give Casey up. Till I met her. I fell in love. I kept her. 18 years later, I am still glad I kept her.

I never felt like I fit in, I know, I said that earlier. But I want to get back to that. I never fit in. Not with my friends who all smoked or did drugs. All that we had in common was music. We all loved the big hair bands, and rock and roll.It kinda defined us. Sure I had a couple of good friends in my life. But, I never really fit in with them. I never fit in with my family either. I was not Kathy’s children or Kenny’s children. I was Carol’s daughter. Like that was a bad thing. My grandmother often said to me, I would be pretty if I lost some weight. Or, why can’t you be smart like D. Why can’t you be quiet like K. Like K was ever really quiet. In my family, it was a big thing when you turned 21. The Aunts took you out to the bar. My cousins before me went. My cousin after me went. My sister and I never went. I waited for the call to go out. I guess I am still waiting for that call. I have only ever been to the bar with my family once and that was for my aunts after wedding reception reception. Boy was she drunk. I was not invited. I just happen to come along.Why should I care about going to a bar. It isn’t about the bar, it was the family thing to do. And the family didn’t do it with me. I still feel left out. 35 years old and still feeling like I am left out. Looking through the window of everyone else having fun. It wasn’t till my grandmother died did I feel like my family actually cared. I got a phone call by a certain cousin who has never called me just to say hi. If he was calling, there was a reason and it was always short and to the point. I actually stayed with my cousin K and had so much fun, despite the funeral, despite I had a horrid case of menstrual issues. I felt like I finally mattered and belonged. But, those feelings never really stay. At least mine don’t.

I have thought about killing myself many times over the years. When Jonah was around 2, I tried again. We lived in this one stoplight kinda town. Our home was like 6 feet from the track. When it came by, you could touch it. I would not recommend that by the way. Anyways, there I was laying down on the track waiting for it to come when Jamie came home and found me. Obviously took me off that track.  It was rough for a bit. Life goes on. I thought about it a few times since, but never acted on it since.

I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. Be someone. Feel loved, be loved. I know my husband and my children love me. I know it should be enough. I just feel like Jamie is just here, to keep me alive. But does he love me?? Maybe not in the way I want. And no, I ma not talking about in those romance books. I don’t want him to sweep me off my feet. I would break his back for crying out loud.


I want to feel like I belong to my family. And not be just Carol’s daughter. I want to be called to go to the bar….. not that I want to go to a bar, but I think you know what I mean. I don’t call either. I don’t want to bother anyone. I don’t want to be a burden and that is how I feel when I talk to any of them. I feel like I am so kind of bother to them.

I can’t stand me. I can not stand the way that I look, the way that I act, how I am lazy. How I holler at my children and how I tend to ignore them. I want my husband to want me. I hate being in my skin. I hate being me. I think that is why I want to work out so bad and why I want to get loose this weight. I want to feel pretty. I want to feel sexy. I want to be healthy. I want to hike with my husband and kids. Play on the floor with Jacks. I want to throw the ball around with Jonah and Adam. I want to mow my lawn for Pete’s sake. I want to walk into a place and buy off the rack and have it fit.

I just want to fit.

Review: Saving Memories Forever

First of all, I have to admit, this was hard for me. I am a photographer by nature so I record my memories by photo. And I guess I hope that I will remember who is in the photo, or what the place was that we went to, and what we were doing.

I said all of that to say, I was picked to review Saving Memories Forever. It is a GREAT concept and would be perfect for someone who picks up that tape deck to record what just happened, or what is now a digital recorder. It would be great for someone who might be sick and want their young children to hear their voice. Someone who is maybe auditory. I am not. I have to visualize things.

Saving Memories Forever is easy to use. You can use it on your phone, at least if you have an Android or an Apple phone. Or, if you do not have a smart phone and you can go right to their website and save your memories from there.

Best Method: Saving Memories Forever Smartphone Apps: The iPhone and Android apps lead you through the recording process and provide you with a list of questions which are helpful when interviewing relatives. When finished with the recording, press the Upload Button and your story will upload to the Saving Memories Forever website. See the Quick Start Guide for the iPhone and Android apps below.

Alternate Method: Saving Memories Forever Website

*  To record and upload stories directly from your computer, your

stories need to be recorded in an MP3 format. Please refer to our

Quick Start Guide listed below.

*  Use Saving Memories Forever Online User Manual which goes

beyond the basics to describe the features of the program in detail.

Please refer to our User Manual listed below.

*  Use our list of questions. See the Suggested Questions links

below. These questions match those we have provided on the

Saving Memories Forever smartphone apps. Using these questions

ensures that you will follow the organizational practices that

    Saving Memories Forever recommends. Don’t worry, you can

always ask your own questions when recording.

 

Basically, you just talk into your phone, tell a story of what you were doing, what you have done in the past, what you want someone to remember your for. A story you would include might be the birth stories of your children, when they fell and cracked their head open and needed 30 stitches on their head the day you were to have a funeral for your mom. ( cue Jonah).

Saving Memories Forever have 2 ways of how you can do it. You can do it for free, and they have a monthly access way. Still quite affordable at $3.99 a month. You can find out what the differences are here.

Saving Memories Forever has been found in Home School Enrichment Magazine, as well as popular bloggers out there.

All in all, it is a great program. It is just not something I will use to save my memories.
I think the company says it all right here….
“Saving Memories Forever helps families record, save, and share family memories “one story at a time”.

 

Mosiac Review

 

Dumping

So, it is 2:30 in the morning and I am backing up my computer to erase everything on it and start over. It has been running a bit weird lately and so, I think a fresh install will do it some wonders.

While I was doing this, I got to thinking of my life. I realized how much control some stuff that I was in had of my life. Like, I depended on other people to tell me if I am doing ok, or if I am a huge screw up. While it is not their fault. it became more of an issue.

See, I am not a very private person. I have no problems telling you about my life, my entire life. While, some like it, most do not. I am realizing that I was using certain things as a crutch in my life. While friends are great to build you up, some are quick to tear you down. And it became a roller coaster ride. Some days it was up, and some days is was down.

Instead of turning to God for my problems and opening up my bible to see the answers, I was going to places such as Facebook or Twitter.  While advice is good, if it is not met with biblical principal, it is not always “good”.

So, I had to dump. Dumping the things that got in the way of me and my God and me and my family. I started to view my life as some horrid life because we do things a bit different then the norm.  I started to have a more negative view on my children and my husband. Because they did not meet the expectations of what I had in my mind for them. Same with me. I did not meet the expectations of what I had of me. I stayed in my room so I can be involved with online stuff. And while the folks are great, I got too involved online that I did in my home. Again. That is my fault. I am not dumping friends, but I did dump a lot of other things.  So, I dumped.

I turn my chat off on FB now. I still answer messages as they come in, I can choose more to look at it later or then and there. I get a notification on my phone. I spend more time on FB through my phone now. Which is a lot less than I did even a week ago. While I cleaned my home, my home is far from where it needs to be.

I am feeling more confident in what I am doing. I am not looking for approval. If I ask an opinion on FB, it is just that, an opinion.

I am dumping soda, again. It is just so stink’n addictive. So, instead of even having it when we eat out, I am either going to do water or sweet tea. Soda, is just too addictive for me. I start to drink a soda, then I start to eat foods I don’t want to eat. I just do not seem to have that button in my life that I can hit when I have had enough.

I am dumping my sedentary lifestyle. We have been taking more walks as a family.

At least when it is not cold out.

But as a family, we have been walking more. I have some video’s to use when the weather is not hot. I also will have a vehicle here so I can hope over to the church in the center of town and use their workout room and take part in their free classes to get fit.  I want to dump this current version of me. I want a new and improved and healthy me. My kids deserve that, my husband does. And by golly, so do I.

I will also be going back on my BP meds and my Metformin for the PCOS. As of last year, I did not have diabetes. I don’t want it if I don’t have it now. I want to be there for Jacklynn,

And,

I want more children.

Yes, I said it.

Jamie and I would love more babies.

I do.

But, only if God sends them. We will not use any interventions. I am content with my four that I have. So, intervention is not needed.

Now, if God deems us to have more, I will gladly, GLADLY have more precious arrows.

So back to dumping… It takes forever to back up to DVD’s. I need a new external and plan on grabbing one or two here in the next week or so.

I am not dumping this blog, in fact, I am trying to resurrect the thing. I have about 3-6 reviews coming up. I have a lot of cleaning to do on it. It might move to its own domain.
Like I said, I am not dumping this old friend.