Nana/Memaw/Granny/Grandma/

Bringing up some old posts to get my blog moving. Boy, I remember this post. So scared I was/still am. Amazing how fast time flies. Lot’s to blog about once we get moved. For now, enjoy! 2 years to the date I wrote this post. Jacks is here and well and growing like a weed.

However one puts it, I am scared.

Running for the hills kinda scared. How does a mama like me, still young, have a grandchild on the way?

After all I am just 29 years old.

Seriously.

Oh fine.

33.

Yes, I am telling the truth this time.

How do I grandparent a child and not screw this little one up like I screwed up her/his mother?

We flip flopped over the years most of my readers know. We have worn just jeans and tshirts, to wearing dresses only, to covering our heads and wearing mostly homemade clothing to wearing dresses and skirts and not cover, to wearing pants again. I do wear mostly skirts, but you will find me in a pair of jeans here and there.

We have been tv, no tv and thrown everything out, to tv, to no tv and throwing everything out again, and to tv again.

We have not homeschooled, homeschooled, not, again, and then just some, to 3/4 now.

Do you have whiplash now?

ROFL.

Anyways, I do not think I am qualified to be a good grandmother, however, this kid is stuck with me. And since the other side is staying away, I just might this kid’s only grandmother. Sad, but true.

So, Lord willing, even with all of my screw-ups, this baby will grow up and we will help Casey train up her child in the way she/he should go!

Not Sure How to Title This

I was thirteen the first time I wanted to take my life. I was headed down the road on my back as there was a train track at the top of the hill and I had heard a train was coming. I had gotten into a fight with my mom and I found out my dad again broke his promise about coming out to see us. Us as in my sister and I.  My parents divorced when I was around 7. I remember that, because I got a Cabbage Patch Kid doll as a result of it. I really didn’t understand divorce at the time since my dad was hardly around anyways. See, I was a Navy brat. He would call a couple of times a year, came back to visit and actually took us to his home in Maine when I was 10 on Spring Break. Promised to come back and get us later that Summer to go on a boat. Still waiting for that boat ride. I am 35.

Back to the bike ride and train. I have always had a fascination with trains. I just love the sound they make, how fast they can go etc…  They are so majestic to me, even back then as pimply fat teenager. My friends lived on that street. Well, evidently they were outside and saw me ride by, but I didn’t stop. Dad, as I call him, he was always so good to me. He’d cuss out his own kids, but me, he was sweet to. Unless I bad-mouthed him. Then I got a cussing too. Anyways, I guess they could tell something was not right with me. So dad followed me. I guess he realized that I was fixing to get run over by a train. I was so close too. I was on the track and the train was coming pretty fast. Boy did he cuss me out that day, all the way home to my moms. Back home to the cardboard apartments we called home for so many years.

My mom I am sure cared, but once dad left, she went back to watching something on tv. She babysat those early years. I never ran out of people to play with either. Anyways, the tv was always on, and she was always in her chair smoking a cigarette and staring at the tv. She was aways watching that stupid tv. I guess that is where I get my laziness from. I love my mom, don’t get me wrong. She just wanted kids, but once she had them, she did not know what to do with them. Except buy lots of Barbie’s and make their clothes for them.

I have never felt like I fit in. Not now, not when I was 13. At 13, I also had my first boyfriend. His name was Herbie and he was 18 and a senior in high school. My mom liked him so much, she was talking about our wedding like it was going to be happening sooner than later. We dated for a long while, broke up, then dated again for a bit. We never did sleep together, though I am sure he wanted to. Especially after I had my daughter Casey. I was 16 when I had Casey. I had met her dad the Summer before and he was 23. I was 15. He had been in and out of jail for a while by then. He was older and was a “bad boy”. He said all the right things. Did all the right things. Made me feel like I actually mattered for the first time in my life. Eric was my love. I loved that man like no other. I allowed him to control me. If Eric didn’t like it, I didn’t do it. Even when he was in jail, I still allowed him to dictate my life. My mom allowed Eric to move in with us the year I turned 16. He had just gotten out of a 4 month stint in the county lock up. It was rough. He became abusive. I was not allowed to go to school, or, if I was sick, I was not allowed to stay home. He was a drug addict and many nights we “borrowed” moms car and went to Rochester to Broad and Brown to get his crack. He would smoke it and I would drive to the exit that we got off on. He then would drive home. I found out I was pregnant on June 1. He was so thrilled. I wasn’t. I never wanted kids. I babysat, but did not really like them.

I felt Casey kick one night. I was laying in my bed and Eric was at work. I felt her kick. It was the weirdest and the greatest feeling in the entire world. I wanted her then.

Eric got picked up by the cops in December. December 5th. I remember it like it was yesterday. Detective Mullen knew my Uncle Kenny. So I wasn’t arrested. I could have been. I still kinda shake about it now. Casey was due in January and here it was December about to be locked up. Anyways, Eric got 8 years in prison and for the first year, I still lived by all his rules. No friends, no going anywhere. Blah Blah…. I was going to give Casey up. Till I met her. I fell in love. I kept her. 18 years later, I am still glad I kept her.

I never felt like I fit in, I know, I said that earlier. But I want to get back to that. I never fit in. Not with my friends who all smoked or did drugs. All that we had in common was music. We all loved the big hair bands, and rock and roll.It kinda defined us. Sure I had a couple of good friends in my life. But, I never really fit in with them. I never fit in with my family either. I was not Kathy’s children or Kenny’s children. I was Carol’s daughter. Like that was a bad thing. My grandmother often said to me, I would be pretty if I lost some weight. Or, why can’t you be smart like D. Why can’t you be quiet like K. Like K was ever really quiet. In my family, it was a big thing when you turned 21. The Aunts took you out to the bar. My cousins before me went. My cousin after me went. My sister and I never went. I waited for the call to go out. I guess I am still waiting for that call. I have only ever been to the bar with my family once and that was for my aunts after wedding reception reception. Boy was she drunk. I was not invited. I just happen to come along.Why should I care about going to a bar. It isn’t about the bar, it was the family thing to do. And the family didn’t do it with me. I still feel left out. 35 years old and still feeling like I am left out. Looking through the window of everyone else having fun. It wasn’t till my grandmother died did I feel like my family actually cared. I got a phone call by a certain cousin who has never called me just to say hi. If he was calling, there was a reason and it was always short and to the point. I actually stayed with my cousin K and had so much fun, despite the funeral, despite I had a horrid case of menstrual issues. I felt like I finally mattered and belonged. But, those feelings never really stay. At least mine don’t.

I have thought about killing myself many times over the years. When Jonah was around 2, I tried again. We lived in this one stoplight kinda town. Our home was like 6 feet from the track. When it came by, you could touch it. I would not recommend that by the way. Anyways, there I was laying down on the track waiting for it to come when Jamie came home and found me. Obviously took me off that track.  It was rough for a bit. Life goes on. I thought about it a few times since, but never acted on it since.

I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. Be someone. Feel loved, be loved. I know my husband and my children love me. I know it should be enough. I just feel like Jamie is just here, to keep me alive. But does he love me?? Maybe not in the way I want. And no, I ma not talking about in those romance books. I don’t want him to sweep me off my feet. I would break his back for crying out loud.


I want to feel like I belong to my family. And not be just Carol’s daughter. I want to be called to go to the bar….. not that I want to go to a bar, but I think you know what I mean. I don’t call either. I don’t want to bother anyone. I don’t want to be a burden and that is how I feel when I talk to any of them. I feel like I am so kind of bother to them.

I can’t stand me. I can not stand the way that I look, the way that I act, how I am lazy. How I holler at my children and how I tend to ignore them. I want my husband to want me. I hate being in my skin. I hate being me. I think that is why I want to work out so bad and why I want to get loose this weight. I want to feel pretty. I want to feel sexy. I want to be healthy. I want to hike with my husband and kids. Play on the floor with Jacks. I want to throw the ball around with Jonah and Adam. I want to mow my lawn for Pete’s sake. I want to walk into a place and buy off the rack and have it fit.

I just want to fit.

18 and Life

Is now just beginning for my daughter. Well, sorta. As a teen parent, her life as an adult began the day she gave birth to her daughter Jacklynn. But now as a legal adult, she can legally set out in this world to accomplish many a great thing. Or, she can choose to sit on behind and do nothing.

To be honest, I did not see her life come to this point. But, she has a strong will power. She can use that for a number of things. She can finish her getting her high school education by grabbing her GED and head off to a local college to get her degree in nursing, she can find a job and work till she can afford to move to an area that she rather go to school in, or just work. All of which are acceptable to me and her dad. What is not acceptable is not living for Christ.

Now to be honest and fair, Jamie and I have not been the model parents for someone to want to follow Christ. We have failed terribly. We have run the whole gamut of Christianity. We have not at all lived like Christians. We have been the Sunday only Christians, and we have pretended to be Christians in hoping it would stick. As parents, we have done a great disservice to Casey and her brothers. We never set a high standard to achieve. We did not make them read their bibles or even attend church. We were what the church calls a dead Christian. We are saved and I know that Casey is saved. I know she has a home in heaven.

I want to publicly apologize to my daughter.  I have ruined her life. I was not a great mother. I did not protect her from certain things and we allowed far too much of the world in our home. For that, I am so sorry Casey. To you and to your brothers. I know I have told that to them, but now I am telling the world that I am a bad mom.

Casey is 18 today.

She is still my princess. I can still see in my mind’s eye, Casey at 2 looking at me with her hands on her hips telling me, ” my name is NOT Casey, it is Princess.”  Casey said, she was the princess of the world. She was and is still the princess of my world. I would do anything to help her to overcome the stigma of being a teen mom. I would gladly take away any tears she might shed. I love her so very much. I know she can do so much in this life for Christ, and for her daughter. I pray daily for her to walk the right road, to not follow in my footsteps. To want better for herself and her daughter. I pray daily for a Godly young man to walk into Casey’s life.

I pray daily for her and I to become close. We do not have a close relationship and that I am afraid is my fault. I am more like my mom than I care to admit. My mom was not the nurturing type. She was happy to just sit in front and watch the tv. I am not a big tv watcher, but there are other things I have put in front of God and my children. All that has been ending and I am sorry that it has taken this long.

Ginger Barber Photography | Senior PhotoI totally monopolized this post about things that don’t really matter to anyone but myself. Today is Casey’s birthday. For dinner, we are eating fried chicken, mashed potato’s, flaky biscuits  and fruit of some sort. She gets to hang out for the last time of her life at our house and do nothing. See, the kids in our home, on their birthdays do not have to do anything. No chores, no cooking, no cleaning, no schoolwork and such. It is a good day for them.

If you think of it, pray for her! Pray that she will get on fire for God. Get on fire for being a good mama. Pray for her to do well with whatever she decides to do.

Dear Casey…

I love you more than you will ever know. You are my Princess and my firecracker. You can make me smile on the bleakest days. I love you!

 

 

13 Weeks

Casey has reached the first milestone, the end of the first trimester. She has had some horrid back pain, and is forever falling asleep, mid-sentence sometimes. Except at night, she can not sleep at night and is awake most of the night. She also had some wicked nausea, but only got sick once. I am so jealous.

She has been pretty much miserable so far. I hope that it subsides soon for her. She was given a giftcard to Old Navy for a maternity outfit. She picked them out. I wanted her to get a skirt, but she choose pants.:( Something we are working on here is the heart attitude. We are a work in progress.

I also think my camera is going. It just no longer takes nice clear photo’s and it is driving me insane. Seriously insane. I have reset to factory settings to no avail.

So up on the I need it really soon wishlist is a new camera.

Casey finally felt well enough to hang outside with me to try and get a few shots.

It was really chilly out, and she was a bit cold. Hence the above stance.

But getting a smile out of her was not happening. Like I said, she is miserable with this pregnancy. I had happy pregnancies, where I felt great most of the time, even when I was throwing everything up. I think if she could be rid of the back pain, she would be much happier. I am trying to find a chiropractor that we can afford to take her to.

She is starting to get the pooch belly. Which we are excited for her about.

Do not get me wrong, I rather not be a grandma at this stage in my life. Nor do I want her to be a mama at this stage in her life. However, I KNOW God allows things to happen for the good. This baby has been a good thing for our family. It has brought us all back together. The Lord allowed this pregnancy to bring my husband and I back together on the same page.  We were at one point contemplating a separation. Neither really speaking of it, but it was there, hanging in the air.

However, like I said, we are back on the same page, working together to bring up our children under God. God is back to being number one in our family. For a while, we put electronics, ourselves, before Him. We did some stuff without praying. We did a lot without praying. Something we are really working on. We are so far from being where we want to be on our walk, but that is the thing, it is our walk. We have our own individual walk with Him, and then, Jamie and I have a walk together, and then we have a walk as a family. We are a work in progress.

Yes, Casey is 16 going on 17. She is going to be a mom. The dad and her are not an item. She is not getting married. He has really turned into a psychopath at least from what we can tell and have read online. She wants nothing to do with him. She intends to raise this child on her own. But, she really is not alone. She has her dad and I. She has her 3 brothers. She also has a wonderful, awesome, church family that will help her and us through this adventure. God has been good to us, despite of ourselves.

Emergency Rooms and an Update on Casey

What a difference one makes from another.

By the way, I totally love the one we seem to frequent the most. That is Sumner Regional in Gallatin, TN,

The other is in Springfield and that is where Casey goes for her OB thanks to the insurance and that Sumner does not do maternity.

So, today, when I picked her up from a friends house, she was having some cramping in her lowed abdomen and some lower back pain. We put a call into the office and it was left up to her if she wanted to drive the 45 minutes to the ER in Springfield. She decided to er on the side of caution. We went. They were ok, except the doctor did not, at all look at us in the eye. Which I found to be rude. The nurses were sweet. The ultrasound tech was beautiful inside and out it seems. She was so nice to Casey and to myself. Though she could not answer any questions, she did tell us that the baby is very active and had a heartbeat of 165. So, because of that information, we were pleased that the baby is doing very well. She also told us that the wee one is 5cm in length.

Wow.

She goes back in a couple of weeks to her OB, though I need to call the OB on Monday to see if she wants her seen sooner. I doubt it, but one can never be too sure.

Casey is no longer with the baby daddy. She decided she had had enough of him not wanting to be serious and man up so to speak. So, we are supporting her 100% in helping her support her child. She is doing school now and then once the wee one is born, she will have to get a job. The baby daddy is not going to be in the picture unless he chooses to be. We certainly are praying that he will step up, become a man and take care of his responsibilities, but at the moment, that is very doubtful. But we are praying for him.

God has been supplying our every need and it has been a joy in watching this all play out. Scary, but a joy. We count it ALL joy.

So, that is an update at the moment for our daughter.

It is not easy being a parent of a teen parent. Still too young to quite make decisions, yet old enough to make others. It is hard to figure out just where that line is. But with God’s grace, we are muddling our way through. We appreciate all the prayers and support that we have gotten so far. Keep up the prayers, they are certainly needed!