I am okay. At the moment at least. I have been a lot more emotional lately and more verbal than I usually am about my feelings.
OK, so I am just more verbal than I usually am. I am a very verbal and emotional person.
I have so many things in my head.
This is what I do know.
I KNOW without a doubt I have a home in heaven. I know that I am saved. I know I am LOVED by God. I know that should be enough.
Jamie is a GREAT husband. He is always there for me and knows when to leave me alone. He also knows when to just hold me. He also knows when to tell me shut up, and quit acting like a child. I guess I kinda do. Especially when I don’t get my way on something. God knew what he was doing when he put Jamie into my life almost 12 years ago. I love my husband more than anything in this world. He is my best friend. I love him to the moon and back.
I have great kids. But, I hold on to them too tight. I am afraid to let go. If I let go, they won’t want to be near me. If I could have it my way, my kids would never leave the house. I would just build another wing onto the house when they got married so they would have their own space but I could be there for them and with them,
I know, I am pathetic.
I love my family in NY. It is not their fault I am the way that I am. I am just different and who wants to be around different? I had a kid at 16 and no one really knew what to do. When my sister followed suit.. I guess we were on this side of the line and they were on the other.
It was installed in my head at a young age, that my mom was never did anything with her life. Both by my mom, then my grandmother and my dad. Gram was always putting her down. I guess she compared mom to my aunt who is super smart and wonderful. She is. She is an awesome aunt. I wasn’t there then. But mom always felt like she didn’t live up to gram’s expectations so she stopped trying. Dad did the same thing, only he compared mom to his ex-wife. Who is his wife now. Who is so very awesome. I am told now, I am just like my mom. Maybe I am. Maybe I am not. I don’t know.
I wanted to be a mom after I had Casey. Nothing else mattered. When I got married to Jamie, we had Jonah together and he was the glue that held me together for a while. I had PPP. Post Partum Psychosis. Jonah was the only reason I was alive. No one else could nurse him like me and he needed to be nursed. My grandmother would come out to the house with her sister and would yell at me because my house was not clean etc. I was a bad wife, Jamie was going to leave me since I did not get up at 4 am to make his breakfast and gather his lunch. He never did leave. But I have yet to make his breakfast.
Even before dementia took her completely away, she would mention each time I visited with her, that Jamie is going to leave me because I gained weight, or I don’t make his breakfast. The man never eats breakfast ok! It was just something she always said. Or, I turned out like my mom.
I joined many a group over the years, both in person as well as online. I joined groups for Christians, groups for moms, groups for Christian moms. I never really fit in. I joined groups for moms with many children as 4 is a lot in most minds. I didn’t fit in. If you are not like the majority, you just don’t fit and you get to know it too.
I have great friends here in TN and still in NY, and even places I have never been. Like Oklahoma. I don’t want to diminish that. I have met some of the most wonderful people because of my business. I have met some of the most wonderful people because of FB. I don’t want to lessen that at all. I just don’t feel like I fit in. Maybe I am just childish. Maybe I just never got past that stage where friends are your world.
I know we define who we are. We choose how we live and what we do. I get that. But, my brain just never shuts off in the thinking department.
It is mostly my fault I am the way that I am. I have disappointed people over the years. I talk too much, I am fat. I also don’t pick up the phone to call or text anyone. I don’t want to bother anyone.
I don’t ever want to be a bother.