Adding to My Thoughts

I am okay. At the moment at least. I have been a lot more emotional lately and more verbal than I usually am about my feelings.

OK, so I am just more verbal than I usually am. I am a very verbal and emotional person.

I have so many things in my head.

This is what I do know.

I KNOW without a doubt I have a home in heaven. I know that I am saved. I know I am LOVED by God. I know that should be enough.

Jamie is a GREAT  husband. He is always there for me and knows when to leave me alone. He also knows when to just hold me. He also knows when to tell me shut up, and quit acting like a child. I guess I kinda do. Especially when I don’t get my way on something. God knew what he was doing when he put Jamie into my life almost 12 years ago. I love my husband more than anything in this world. He is my best friend. I love him to the moon and back.

I have great kids. But, I hold on to them too tight. I am afraid to let go. If I let go, they won’t want to be near me. If I could have it my way, my kids would never leave the house. I would just build another wing onto the house when they got married so they would have their own space but I could be there for them and with them,

I know, I am pathetic.

I love my family in NY. It is not their fault I am the way that I am. I am just different and who wants to be around different? I had a kid at 16 and no one really knew what to do. When my sister followed suit.. I guess we were on this side of the line and they were on the other.

It was installed in my head at a young age, that my mom was never did anything with her life. Both by my mom, then my grandmother and my dad. Gram was always putting her down. I guess she compared mom to my aunt who is super smart and wonderful. She is. She is an awesome aunt. I wasn’t there then. But mom always felt like she didn’t live up to gram’s expectations so she stopped trying. Dad did the same thing, only he compared mom to his ex-wife. Who is his wife now. Who is so very awesome. I am told now, I am just like my mom. Maybe I am. Maybe I am not. I don’t know.

I wanted to be a mom after I had Casey. Nothing else mattered. When I got married to Jamie, we had Jonah together and he was the glue that held me together for a while. I had PPP. Post Partum Psychosis. Jonah was the only reason I was alive. No one else could nurse him like me and he needed to be nursed. My grandmother would come out to the house with her sister and would yell at me because my house was not clean etc. I was a bad wife, Jamie was going to leave me since I did not get up at 4 am to make his breakfast and gather his lunch. He never did leave. But I have yet to make his breakfast.

Even before dementia took her completely away, she would mention each time I visited with her, that Jamie is going to leave me because I gained weight, or I don’t make his breakfast. The man never eats breakfast ok! It was just something she always said. Or, I turned out like my mom.

I joined many a group over the years, both in person as well as online. I joined groups for Christians, groups for moms, groups for Christian moms. I never really fit in. I joined groups for moms with many children as 4 is a lot in most minds. I didn’t fit in. If you are not like the majority, you just don’t fit and you get to know it too.

I have great friends here in TN and still in NY, and even places I have never been. Like Oklahoma. I don’t want to diminish that. I have met some of the most wonderful people because of my business. I have met some of the most wonderful people because of FB. I don’t want to lessen that at all. I just don’t feel like I fit in. Maybe I am just childish. Maybe I just never got past that stage where friends are your world.

I know we define who we are. We choose how we live and what we do. I get that. But, my brain just never shuts off in the thinking department.

It is mostly my fault I am the way that I am. I have disappointed people over the years. I talk too much, I am fat. I also don’t pick up the phone to call or text anyone. I don’t want to bother anyone.

I don’t ever want to be a bother.

Not Sure How to Title This

I was thirteen the first time I wanted to take my life. I was headed down the road on my back as there was a train track at the top of the hill and I had heard a train was coming. I had gotten into a fight with my mom and I found out my dad again broke his promise about coming out to see us. Us as in my sister and I.  My parents divorced when I was around 7. I remember that, because I got a Cabbage Patch Kid doll as a result of it. I really didn’t understand divorce at the time since my dad was hardly around anyways. See, I was a Navy brat. He would call a couple of times a year, came back to visit and actually took us to his home in Maine when I was 10 on Spring Break. Promised to come back and get us later that Summer to go on a boat. Still waiting for that boat ride. I am 35.

Back to the bike ride and train. I have always had a fascination with trains. I just love the sound they make, how fast they can go etc…  They are so majestic to me, even back then as pimply fat teenager. My friends lived on that street. Well, evidently they were outside and saw me ride by, but I didn’t stop. Dad, as I call him, he was always so good to me. He’d cuss out his own kids, but me, he was sweet to. Unless I bad-mouthed him. Then I got a cussing too. Anyways, I guess they could tell something was not right with me. So dad followed me. I guess he realized that I was fixing to get run over by a train. I was so close too. I was on the track and the train was coming pretty fast. Boy did he cuss me out that day, all the way home to my moms. Back home to the cardboard apartments we called home for so many years.

My mom I am sure cared, but once dad left, she went back to watching something on tv. She babysat those early years. I never ran out of people to play with either. Anyways, the tv was always on, and she was always in her chair smoking a cigarette and staring at the tv. She was aways watching that stupid tv. I guess that is where I get my laziness from. I love my mom, don’t get me wrong. She just wanted kids, but once she had them, she did not know what to do with them. Except buy lots of Barbie’s and make their clothes for them.

I have never felt like I fit in. Not now, not when I was 13. At 13, I also had my first boyfriend. His name was Herbie and he was 18 and a senior in high school. My mom liked him so much, she was talking about our wedding like it was going to be happening sooner than later. We dated for a long while, broke up, then dated again for a bit. We never did sleep together, though I am sure he wanted to. Especially after I had my daughter Casey. I was 16 when I had Casey. I had met her dad the Summer before and he was 23. I was 15. He had been in and out of jail for a while by then. He was older and was a “bad boy”. He said all the right things. Did all the right things. Made me feel like I actually mattered for the first time in my life. Eric was my love. I loved that man like no other. I allowed him to control me. If Eric didn’t like it, I didn’t do it. Even when he was in jail, I still allowed him to dictate my life. My mom allowed Eric to move in with us the year I turned 16. He had just gotten out of a 4 month stint in the county lock up. It was rough. He became abusive. I was not allowed to go to school, or, if I was sick, I was not allowed to stay home. He was a drug addict and many nights we “borrowed” moms car and went to Rochester to Broad and Brown to get his crack. He would smoke it and I would drive to the exit that we got off on. He then would drive home. I found out I was pregnant on June 1. He was so thrilled. I wasn’t. I never wanted kids. I babysat, but did not really like them.

I felt Casey kick one night. I was laying in my bed and Eric was at work. I felt her kick. It was the weirdest and the greatest feeling in the entire world. I wanted her then.

Eric got picked up by the cops in December. December 5th. I remember it like it was yesterday. Detective Mullen knew my Uncle Kenny. So I wasn’t arrested. I could have been. I still kinda shake about it now. Casey was due in January and here it was December about to be locked up. Anyways, Eric got 8 years in prison and for the first year, I still lived by all his rules. No friends, no going anywhere. Blah Blah…. I was going to give Casey up. Till I met her. I fell in love. I kept her. 18 years later, I am still glad I kept her.

I never felt like I fit in, I know, I said that earlier. But I want to get back to that. I never fit in. Not with my friends who all smoked or did drugs. All that we had in common was music. We all loved the big hair bands, and rock and roll.It kinda defined us. Sure I had a couple of good friends in my life. But, I never really fit in with them. I never fit in with my family either. I was not Kathy’s children or Kenny’s children. I was Carol’s daughter. Like that was a bad thing. My grandmother often said to me, I would be pretty if I lost some weight. Or, why can’t you be smart like D. Why can’t you be quiet like K. Like K was ever really quiet. In my family, it was a big thing when you turned 21. The Aunts took you out to the bar. My cousins before me went. My cousin after me went. My sister and I never went. I waited for the call to go out. I guess I am still waiting for that call. I have only ever been to the bar with my family once and that was for my aunts after wedding reception reception. Boy was she drunk. I was not invited. I just happen to come along.Why should I care about going to a bar. It isn’t about the bar, it was the family thing to do. And the family didn’t do it with me. I still feel left out. 35 years old and still feeling like I am left out. Looking through the window of everyone else having fun. It wasn’t till my grandmother died did I feel like my family actually cared. I got a phone call by a certain cousin who has never called me just to say hi. If he was calling, there was a reason and it was always short and to the point. I actually stayed with my cousin K and had so much fun, despite the funeral, despite I had a horrid case of menstrual issues. I felt like I finally mattered and belonged. But, those feelings never really stay. At least mine don’t.

I have thought about killing myself many times over the years. When Jonah was around 2, I tried again. We lived in this one stoplight kinda town. Our home was like 6 feet from the track. When it came by, you could touch it. I would not recommend that by the way. Anyways, there I was laying down on the track waiting for it to come when Jamie came home and found me. Obviously took me off that track.  It was rough for a bit. Life goes on. I thought about it a few times since, but never acted on it since.

I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. Be someone. Feel loved, be loved. I know my husband and my children love me. I know it should be enough. I just feel like Jamie is just here, to keep me alive. But does he love me?? Maybe not in the way I want. And no, I ma not talking about in those romance books. I don’t want him to sweep me off my feet. I would break his back for crying out loud.

I want to feel like I belong to my family. And not be just Carol’s daughter. I want to be called to go to the bar….. not that I want to go to a bar, but I think you know what I mean. I don’t call either. I don’t want to bother anyone. I don’t want to be a burden and that is how I feel when I talk to any of them. I feel like I am so kind of bother to them.

I can’t stand me. I can not stand the way that I look, the way that I act, how I am lazy. How I holler at my children and how I tend to ignore them. I want my husband to want me. I hate being in my skin. I hate being me. I think that is why I want to work out so bad and why I want to get loose this weight. I want to feel pretty. I want to feel sexy. I want to be healthy. I want to hike with my husband and kids. Play on the floor with Jacks. I want to throw the ball around with Jonah and Adam. I want to mow my lawn for Pete’s sake. I want to walk into a place and buy off the rack and have it fit.

I just want to fit.

Where Are You?

No idea… been so busy with life. I have not had time to update the blog.

Jonah had ear surgery a week ago, he is doing awesome! PTL. I will update more soon! I have some stuff floating around in my head. I also have a review or 2 left to blog before I am done reviewing items. I just don’t have the time these days, though I LOVE reviewing things.