1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
3. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
8. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
9. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
10. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute if you plan to skydive more than once.
13. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
14. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
15. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
16. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.